By now some of you might be wondering where my usual fundraising ask email is and to be completely open its not coming.
Let me explain 14 years ago I set off on a mission, to raise as much money as possible to fund cancer research and better treatment for cancer patients.
I was fueled by the passing of my 5-year-old son Ryder because of cancer, by the grief that that brought, the sadness, helplessness, and my thought process that I had to do something to give back and suffer while doing it as my own self prescribed therapy and road riding was the outlet.
Not once have I enjoyed road riding, for me personally it sucks, uncomfortable as hell, boring as shit and stupidly dangerous but it didnt matter. Its what I could do. Ask for money and ride a bike.
28 ride events, thousands of kilometers, hundreds of thousands of dollars raised (personally) leading a team that across the country has raised over 4 million dollarsIve changed.
It was gradual, but with each ride event completed I learnt a little more about myself than the ride before. As the years passed since Ryder's passing, I was able to move through the grief process, I was able to understand what I was doing to myself and I was able to see things differently, clearly and from a different set of eyes.
Those eyes were Ryders, he would never want me to punish myself, he would never want me to be unhappy and he would never want me to be in the depth of pain from grief.
So, I made a choice, a choice to start a different narrative in my head, to see all the positives that have come because of Ryder, everything thats been achieved in his name and despite him no longer being here the blessing I was given because he died.
Its taken me 14 years to see that, its taken a lot of self work and its taken a huge amount out of me over the years.
I was always fueled by grief, its what gave me endless energy and drive, its what allowed me to raise money and ride a bike come rain, shine, hurricanes & heatwaves and it allowed me to keep going no matter what and its what gave me purpose in life.
14 years in the making and that grief is just no longer the same, its changed and that change has brought peace and gratitude and happiness. I no longer feel the need to punish myself because my brain is no longer telling me I gave my son cancer.
So, what does this mean? It means Ill always support cancer research and I know it is the lifeline of helping those affected by this devastating disease.
Saying THANK YOU for allowing me the past 14 years because of all your donations and support seems so inadequate, but for now its all I have.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, the past 14 years would have NOT been possible without your support and its literally changed my life for the better.
My ride page is still open and I encourage you to donate because it DOES make a difference. However, youll not see me on a bike anytime soon.
Its been a journey and Im thankful for it, there isnt a day that goes by where I would love nothing more than to have Ryder by my side, I miss him deeply but I know hes smiling, hes smiling that Im happy, hes smiling that Im no longer punishing myself and hes happy that after 14 years I have peace in my heart.